Of Snow and Roses Read online

  “Uh, I’m Neve,” she said in a rough voice, searching for a friendly face in the group and settling on one, then another, while avoiding Torbin and Tala altogether. “I’ve been here for a while, although I don’t remember it.” She gave a little self-deprecating smile and a few of the patients smiled in return.

  “I have amnesia, as well as a delusional disorder. At least that’s what Doctor Alberich tells me. I’m, uh, sorry if I’ve done anything to any of you in the past. I honestly don’t remember it.” Heat rushed up her neck as her gaze dropped to the floor. Maybe that would be enough to appease Torbin. “I just want to get better and I hope we can be friends.”

  “That’s very good, Neve,” the doctor said, and Neve finally looked up to see him smiling at her. “We all want the same thing, so I think you’re off to a great start.” He checked his notes. “Who’s next?”

  Melissa raised a tentative hand and he nodded at her.

  She was describing a nightmare she’d had when Neve felt a rush of dizziness and the world began to spin.

  No. Not again. She clenched her eyes shut, and tried to breathe deeply, to ignore what was coming. But even though she couldn’t see it, she could smell the pine and dirt . . . could hear the birdsong and the chirp of crickets.

  “Neve.” A woman’s voice.

  “No, I’m not listening to you.” She pressed her hands over her ears. “You’re not real. You’re a delusion.”

  “Neve, stop that.”

  How could she hear her so clearly, even with her ears covered?

  “Get out of my head!”

  “Please, we don’t have much time,” the woman said. “I’m blocking him out, but I won’t be able to for long. You need to listen to me. You’re in danger.”

  Neve couldn’t resist. Despite the warnings, she had to see. Had to know. She opened her eyes to find the same woman from before watching her with concern in her dark eyes.

  “Why is this happening to me?” Neve asked, more to herself than anyone else.

  The woman－Rose－smiled softly. “Be strong. You can do this.”

  “Do what?” she asked. “I don’t even know why I’m talking to you. You’re a delusion.”

  The woman scoffed. “I’m your sister.”

  “What?” Neve blinked in surprise. “No! No, you’re a－I’m not going to talk to you. I’m not going to listen.” She clenched her eyes shut, her fingers curling into fists. “Go away!”

  “Neve, you have to listen!”

  “No!” She could control this. She’d fight it off.

  Be normal.

  “I’m not listening,” she said, murmuring quickly. “My name is Neve. I’m in the Blackbriar Institute. Today is－”

  “Blackbriar?” the woman repeated, but her voice was fading away. “What’s Blackbriar?”

  “－Tuesday.” Neve said through gritted teeth. She could imagine if she’d open her eyes, she’d see the colors whirling, fading back to the familiar. She swayed back and forth and tried to ignore the dizziness.

  “I’m in group therapy. We’re having chicken sandwiches for lunch－” She was running out of things she knew. Things that were true.

  So she started over.

  “My name is Neve.” Her voice grew stronger as the woman’s grew quiet. “I’m in Blackbriar. There is no forest. My name is Neve.”

  “Neve?”

  Her eyes flew open to find Doctor Alberich－as well as the whole therapy group－staring at her wide eyed. Neve blinked, taking in a shaky breath as she gripped the chair beneath her, worried she might collapse onto the floor again. She pressed her feet against the worn linoleum, focusing on the grounding feeling as the dizziness finally faded away.

  “Neve, are you all right?” the doctor asked. “Do you need to lie down?” He waved toward Calum and Angelica who stood near the door and the duo started forward immediately.

  “No.” Neve held up a hand. “No, I’m fine. I promise. I just need a moment.”

  The two nurses paused, sending questioning looks toward the doctor, although they said nothing aloud.

  “I really am fine,” Neve said, forcing a smile. “I－I had a delusion.” She glanced nervously around the group, worried they might judge her, but they only observed her with vague interest. She swallowed and looked to Dr. Alberich.

  “I did what you said, though, and ignored it. I closed my eyes and . . . and I came back here.”

  The doctor pursed his lips and nodded slowly. “That’s excellent, Neve. Good for you.” He glanced around the circle. “Would you all please excuse us? That’s enough for today.”

  The rest of the group left the room, and Doctor Alberich scrawled a note in his book. “I’m glad you were able to reject the delusion,” he said, almost as if to himself. “But I’m concerned at the frequency. We may have to further modify your medication dosage.”

  Neve didn’t like the sound of that.

  “Is that really necessary?” she asked quickly. The doctor stiffened, the air growing tense, and she realized that questioning him wasn’t something that happened a lot.

  Give him what he wants. Lily’s words echoed in the silence.

  “I, uh, I mean . . . the medication makes me kind of sleepy,” Neve said. “Of course, I’ll do whatever you think is best, Doctor.” She forced a placid, trusting smile, even though her heart pounded with nerves and apprehension. “But I think I really have it under control. I can ignore the delusions and you said they’d go away eventually, right?”

  She swallowed thickly, gaze dropping in what she hoped was a deferential manner. “I only want to get better.”

  He didn’t speak for a long moment, and Neve gripped her chair, hoping he would agree. She truly believed she could do this on her own. Maybe it was ego, or perhaps pure stubbornness, but she didn’t like being reliant on medication.

  She also didn’t like feeling like she was losing her mind, though, so if she had to swallow that stubbornness, she would.

  “Of course you do,” Doctor Alberich said finally. He stood and removed his glasses, tucking them into his shirt pocket and she finally looked up at him. Strange. Neve had thought him handsome when she’d first seen him, but now that she looked a little closer, she noticed his chin was a bit too sharp, his nose almost hawkish. Dark eyes probing . . . unsettling.

  Don’t trust him. The words were meant for Torbin, right? Whether a dream, vision, or delusion it seemed someone was trying to tell her something, even if it was her own subconscious. The truth was, Neve knew absolutely nothing about the world she’d woken up in. And perhaps she needed to be less trusting of everyone she came in contact with until she learned enough to know who actually had her best interests at heart.

  Including Doctor Alberich.

  She needed to protect herself. If she was—or was not—being paranoid would reveal itself in time.

  “Perhaps we can wait and see about the medication,” the doctor said, bringing her out of her thoughts. “We can reevaluate in a few days.”

  Neve smiled again, smooth and placating. “Thank you, Doctor. For everything.” She stood, brushing invisible dust off her sweatpants. “I think I’ll go and rest a bit before lunch?”

  “Very well,” he replied as he turned to walk out with her. “You’ll let me know if you have any more episodes?”

  “Of course, Doctor. And I promise to do what you said. Ignore anything I see that I know isn’t real.”

  If she could figure out exactly what that was, she thought wryly.

  They parted at her room and she watched him move away down the hall before calling out, “Doctor?”

  He turned, eyebrows arched in question.

  “Is there a chance . . . could I see Lily?” she asked, fingers twisting in the hem of her T-shirt.

  The doctor frowned. “I’m sorry. That’s not possible at the moment.”

  “I just . . . she’s my only friend, and I want her to know that I care?”

  He took a step toward her, head tilted. “She’s not you
r only friend, Neve. We all care about you and want you to get better.”

  Her shoulder slumped at the quiet reprimand. “I know.”

  “And Lily will be back among you soon,” he said gently. “Within a few days.”

  Deflated, Neve nodded. “Will you tell her I asked about her? That I hope she’s doing better soon?”

  “I will,” he said briskly. “Now, go get some rest, and let me know if you have any more delusions, all right?”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  With a satisfied nod, he turned to head down the hall, and Neve let out a heavy sigh. She hoped Lily was all right, but she had a strange, gnawing feeling in her gut that she wasn’t. Neve couldn’t explain it, but that was one item on a long list of things she couldn’t explain right then.

  She was about to go into her room and rest, although rest was the last thing on her mind, when a flash of movement down the hall caught her attention. Curious, she stepped quickly and quietly toward the corner where she’d seen someone disappear. She all but held her breath, willing whoever it was not to hear her approach. Neve hugged the wall, fingers tracing along the bumpy texture as she approached the corner, pausing before ducking her head quickly around it.

  She didn’t know what she’d expected. An empty hallway, mocking her paranoia, most likely. But instead, she came face-to-face, or rather face-to-chest, with the massive form of Torbin, who stumbled back in surprise from where he’d apparently been lurking.

  “What are you doing?” she demanded. “Are you following me?”

  His jaw tightened, but he gave a firm negative shake of his head.

  “Then why are you hiding here, peeking at my door?” she asked, half-guessing but evidently correct if the flush on Torbin’s face was any indication.

  “Are you some kind of weirdo?” Neve pressed. “A stalker? Because I know self-defense, you know. I don’t care how big you are, I can take you down.”

  Neve had no idea if she knew self-defense or not, but assumed a fighting posture, hoping it would be enough to convince him.

  He stared at her in surprise for a moment, then she heard a low, grunting sound burst from his lips. It took a beat for her to realize that he was laughing.

  Torbin was laughing at her.

  “What’s so funny?” She lifted her chin, and her fists. “That’s not－stop laughing!”

  He held up his hands in a defensive gesture, although he still had a bit of a quirk to his lips. He had a scar, she noticed, that creased the right side of his upper lip, the scruff almost hiding it, but not when you got up close. His dark eyes studied her closely, his jaw still tight . . . in fact, all his muscles seemed tight. It was as if Torbin was always poised to spring away at any moment.

  “Why are you here?” she asked finally. “Why are you angry with me? Why are you watching me?” Neve threw up her hands. “Why can’t I remember? Why can’t I－” To her utter mortification, tears sprung to her eyes and she inhaled sharply, trying to keep them at bay.

  “Leave me alone,” she said through gritted teeth. “If you can’t stand me, stay away from me!” She intended to go back to her room but was stopped by a meaty hand on her elbow. She whirled back around and Torbin held up his hands again.

  “What do you want?” she pleaded.

  He pointed to the ceiling behind her and she spotted a camera in the corner. He pointed to another one in the opposite corner, and the pieces connected.

  “They’re watching?” she asked, and he nodded, then pointed toward the floor and shook his head.

  “But this is a blind spot?” Neve guessed.

  Another nod.

  “Why are you hiding in a blind spot?”

  His jaw tensed in frustration－she recognized it now for what it was－and he shook his head.

  “Okay, then. Yes or no questions,” she murmured. “Are you angry with me?”

  He shook his head. No.

  “You don’t hate me.”

  No.

  “But you have been watching me.”

  Hesitation, then a nod.

  “And they－Doctor Alberich－is watching, too.”

  Yes.

  “Not that unusual. It is a mental hospital, I’m sure－”

  A grunt, and a vicious shake of his head. No.

  “No?” she repeated, confused. “I don’t understand.”

  But before she could ask another question, Neve heard voices and footsteps coming toward them. Torbin stiffened and stepped away.

  “Wait!” she called out in a quiet hiss. “Do you know what’s going on around here? Where’s Lily? Is she all right?”

  Torbin shook his head, pointed to his eyes, then up at the camera, then at her.

  A warning. They’re watching you. Be careful.

  Then he slipped away down the hallway and was gone.

  Neve wasn’t sure what to make of it. On the one hand, she was in a mental hospital, so Torbin was probably not a particularly reliable source. Still, there was something deep inside her that told her there was something to all of this. Something she was missing.

  Something that was wrong.

  It was so incredibly frustrating not knowing if she could trust her own instincts. To be aware that this could all be part of a paranoid delusion.

  At the same time, she’d have been stupid not to at least question what she’d been told. Gullible. And with or without her memories, Neve believed she was anything but gullible.

  So that left only one solution. To ask questions. Look for answers. Not raise suspicions and make up her own mind.

  Don’t trust him.

  Oh yeah. That was a given. For the time being, Neve wasn’t going to trust anyone.

  Neve wasn’t certain what awakened her later that night. A strange squeaking－no, a scratching－at the window.

  The curtains were closed against the lamplight, the room completely dark, so she switched on her bedside light and listened closely.

  There.

  It was quiet, but discernible now, and definitely someone scratching at the window. The scrape sent a shiver down Neve’s spine and she swallowed nervously, blinking against the lingering wooziness from her meds. She slipped out of bed and padded tentatively toward the window, all the while wondering if she should jump back into bed and pull the covers over her head.

  Scrape. What was that?

  The wind, she decided. It was the wind moving a branch or something. That’s all.

  Although there were no trees near her window. No bushes. Nothing that could account for－

  “Oh, for heaven’s sake, get a hold of yourself,” she muttered as she reached out and yanked the curtains open.

  A shriek burst from her throat when she saw an enormous bear, right in front of her. It stood on its hind legs, towering over her by at least three feet. It had slipped a single claw between the bars where it scraped at the window, but when she screamed, it dropped to all fours and moved back from the window. Neve stood frozen, a hand clutched to her chest, as the bear did the strangest thing.

  It looked right at her, then seemed to look over its shoulder before coming closer again and raising back up on its hind legs. Neve fought the urge to run, mesmerized by the bear’s odd behavior. It reached out toward the window again－toward her－and tapped it’s long, razor-sharp claw against the glass three times.

  Then, it looked over its shoulder again, dropped to all-fours, and ran across the lawn and into the forest.

  “What the－” Neve let out a shaky breath, running a trembling hand through her tangled hair. “What－”

  Her door burst open, and the night orderly－Neve had yet to get his name－raced in, scanning the room until he focused bleary, dark eyes on her. Neve wondered if he’d been sleeping, too.

  “What happened?” he asked, his voice raspy. “I heard a scream. Should I call Doctor Alberich?”

  Neve wasn’t sure what led her to say, “No. It’s okay. I’m fine,” but she forced a self-deprecating smile and snapped the curtains closed. “I had
a nightmare.”

  “A nightmare?” the orderly’s brow creased as he looked from her over to the window and back again.

  “Yeah, sorry to bother you.” She decided to push through with the lie and not give him a chance to question it, slipping into bed. “I’m going to go back to sleep. I’m sure it won’t happen again.” She couldn’t keep from glancing nervously toward the window.

  “Oh, okay. If you’re sure,” he replied.

  She simply smiled and turned off the light. The orderly yawned and left the room, and Neve found herself trembling again.

  What in the world had just happened?

  The next morning, she was almost convinced it had all been a dream. In fact, she’d pretty much decided that she’d imagined the whole encounter.

  But when the french doors stood open after breakfast, she couldn’t keep herself from walking outside, and heading toward her window. Nervously glancing over her shoulder to ensure no one was watching, she left the path and stepped closer to the bars, unsure what she was looking for until she saw it.

  With a gasp, Neve reached up to pluck a piece of fur caught at the cross point between two metal bars－exactly where the bear had been scratching at the window the night before. Stunned, she stared at the tangle of black hairs in her palm, unable to deny the proof before her.

  It had been real. A bear had been at her window the night before. Had looked right at her. Had seemed almost to try and communicate with her.

  She felt ridiculous even thinking it, but how could she deny it now?

  “You’re not allowed off the path,” Angelica’s shrill voice drew her attention, and Neve quickly tucked the fur into her pocket before turning with a smile.

  “Sorry, what?”

  “The flower beds are off limits,” Angelica said, popping her gum. “Residents must stay on the path or the lawn.”

  “Oh, yeah, sure.” Neve quickly returned to the path. “Sorry.”

  Angelica shrugged, apparently not worried about pursuing the subject any further, and approached a group playing badminton. Neve spotted Torbin on the far side of the lawn, watching her carefully. She started toward him, but he subtly shook his head, warning her off.